I met someone recently that I thought I was ready to go down the road with.
I thought about all the ways that we could. Fantasized about them really.
We would support one another. Our business would be built off of our mutual interests and strengths.
We would change the way that people viewed health and their individual relationships with it.
I felt willing to risk a lot of my armor for the sake of being vulnerable with her.
I shared a lot of things about myself. Intimacies that it took a lot to reveal.
I appreciated her and I wanted her to know me. I was charging in, warts and all.
I was supportive and adventurous and affable, but I let her see my shadows too.
She didn’t talk a lot. I was ok with that. I was willing to share of myself until we could be present in person. The issues she was having with her skin, I tried to remain sensitive to and I didn’t push for FaceTime.
I knew that when it would come, it would be fine.
We would talk and laugh and play; Ann Landers describes love as “friendship set on fire.”
Would we that?
There were signs, now, that my blinders were on: topics that were off the table for discussion; communication issues; the distance that materialized when she learned ‘too much’ about me.
I thought that I could bare the weight of our shadows and lead with Light.
I thought that I could decide the course of our content by designing it.
I was not present.
I have friends that remind me that you cannot fuck it up with the one.
I trust in that. I think that relationships are sensitive early on and it takes a lot courage to get into them.
It takes willingness to explore another humans life and tether to them.
I don’t mean as a legal contract, thought I am not against it.
I think that as much as they are sensitive early on and benefit from tending,
Where you focus, grows.
I think about all those things that my parents were going through when I was young, and how easy it was to judge them for their frictions. I often thought that they were foolish to stay married. That amount of unhappiness…
But it’s awful to judge another.
I judged my parents.
I judged her.
I tried to fit them into small boxes of fixed dimensions.
And that is far from the human experience.
We shape our lives by feeding ourselves experiences through choice.
Receiving the sensations, qualifying them.
It is pleasant to fantasize but in the day to day, when the noses are running and the mortgage is to be paid, relationships require a deeper yes than words can fancy.
It requires a desire to be vulnerable and to lead from a place that does not know.
But wants to discover.
Together.
Alone.
There is irony in this.
She offered me the chance to see what it is I have done to many others.
She was available until it got real and then, shook, she head for the hills and the hard tack.
Hard to track.
I wouldn’t take any of it back.
Going forward, having all the experiences that lead to this, and the feeling what got me on that plane.
The choices I made to speak for my worthiness…
I shall not settle.
Where I focus grows.

 

2 Comments