Today’s new moon renewal in Capricorn highlights a chance to review fortunes found along the way, and potential for growth to come. Rather simplistic, until it’s applied to a life…
There is no real easy way to write this other than to be real about it: I have been a seducer of women. I found it at a relatively young age. A seemingly perfect storm brought me to the gate, but the truth is that I chose to walk through. It was entirely my choice.
Based on a premise presumed to be correct, a syllogism reasons two or more propositions to arrive at a conclusion. It is a form of logical deduction that hinges upon the facts being true.
I lived in a culture that had particular ideas about what manhood would be. As a kid growing up in the prairies that wasn’t defined by magazines in a check out stand so much as it was by the amount one could drink and still drive home. Needless to say, the 80’s were a very different time. It came with man perms, mustaches and basements that looked like swingers play pens.
The influences that fed me were misogynistic. They kept women in the kitchen. They came home with masks from the strippers. My 14th birthday gift was a hustler magazine; that was my introduction to sex.
I spent a long time trying to reconcile these things and more. I read a lot of books in the basement and stayed quite but attentive when arguments broke out. I swore to myself that I would, through the relationships i would create, overcome these experiences and be richer for it.
It took me till I was 19 to lose my virginity. I had dated a women for a year without having sex, and by that point, I wanted to be rid of it. An older woman found me at a polyester party and took me home that night. It was the first of the one night stands.
Sex seemed easy. There was all the masculinity I could be recognized for: men saw me as virulent and women spoke of my prowess. I passed myself around and barely owned that my heart emptied every morning after. I had bought in to a perception that what I was doing, was a thing to be proud of. These were my ‘facts.’
All that reading was good for my words and I would use lines from books to be reckless with hearts. At some point I was numb to my own apathy, and I just worked to keep the momentum alive. Occasionally a relationship of 6 months would occur, but they were a rarity. I led with provocation.
I began to tell myself that all I was good for was getting off. That I couldn’t have worth in partnership. That all the tired examples I never wanted to end up as were the metric suggesting I would be alone for most of my life. Not a very optimistic place to create from.
There wasn’t guidance at that time, from boyhood to manhood. These were people living as best they knew how and though that is a beautiful thing, it’s as a teacher of mine put it: with what they knew, comparatively, our ancestors were Neanderthals.
Going back to our example of a syllogism, I used the men i grew up around to justify the behavior’s I engaged in with women. And it’s important to note that I grew leaps and bounds through those engagements. I connected with extraordinary women who were willing to guide me, at times in retrospect, but willing to go halves on growth. I sit now with greater optimism that moves from a place saying, when I know better, I do better.
I am not always proud to be a man in this world. Many of us don’t show up for the women in this time. We are content to seduce, abating the loneliness by speaking words both parties long to hear, and then creep out in the night, never to call again. A culture that disregards the heart results in abuses of rape and discrimination. I believe we are worth much more than we suspect.
I have been single much of my life. At times it was a choice. I swore that I didn’t want to hurt anyone or be careless with their hearts. In the casual nature that I adopted, I created that very thing. I was fearful of being hurt. When I am honest and allow myself to be seen, my strength is not found in my masculine virility, rather, it rests in my vulnerability.
So I forgive myself. I am grateful for the lessons but knowing a better path means not just doing better for myself but leading a better way.
I am no longer served preening like the veneer of a man. It is time for me to become one. My experiences got me to this place and I am grateful. It is an honor to have known these women who have threaded themselves in my soul. To care for these hearts, my own included, I show up in the world, hold the door, say please and thank you, and take my time with growing in relationship. This is a plea. It is indeed. It is also my choice.